The Assassination of Santa Claus

Cover of The Assassination of Santa Claus

It was Christmas eve and Angus Fowler, 22, was currently looking after this house for his parents who were on vacation and when there was an exceptionally loud crash, he and his pet mice were stirring quite abruptly. His first thought was that someone was trying to break in so he quickly scanned the room for anything he could use to protect himself and came to the conclusion that his desk lamp would do quite nicely. Leaving his room, he ran downstairs expecting to find someone in the living room.

Instead, he heard more noises from outside so went to open the front door.He took a deep breath and flung open the door. He was faced with the weirdest and most shocking sight he had ever seen. Something that looked intriguingly like a broken sleigh strewn across the ground, a bunch of reindeer trying to run away and Santa Claus lying still in the snow.

Wait, what? Angus ran across the snow to take a look at the body and stood there staring for what felt like eternity. He was unable to process the sight before his eyes. Someone just killed Santa Claus.

                                                                 **************


Derek got the news about 3 hours ago, but he was still absolutely ecstatic. Or, at least, how ecstatic you even can be when you’re exhausted from doing small celebratory dances for 3 hours. The news had been brought to him by Gerald, Santa’s old intern.

But what was this news that Derek was so excited about? The Assassin had been successful. Santa is dead. Now they just needed to kill Mrs Claus. The Elf uprising has begun.


When Derek had come to Santa’s workshop he was an incredibly cheerful person. Always optimistic, looked on the bright side and was happy to work. He idolised Santa and thought he could no wrong.However,as the years went by he became more and more jaded and grew to resent Santa. Working in Santa’s workshop brings out the worst in you if you do it for long enough and Derek had been doing it for so long he was a shell of his former self. He couldn’t remember a time when he didn’t loathe himself and his entire life.


Every day when he came home he would ask himself the same question. Why does he do it? Why does he get thousands of elves to work tirelessly in horrible conditions every day for 365 days to give presents to the human race? But every day he didn’t have an answer. The only thing he knew was that Santa was a monster. He was a disgusting person and a monster. Derek was just biding his time until he could kill him and take over. But that couldn’t happen yet. Not yet. Before he could do that, he had to figure out a way to deal with the Pro-Santa scum.

                                                         ***************


 His head was spinning. Even if this wasn’t the real Santa, there were still trapped reindeer and a possibly dead guy with a bullet wound in his front yard. He had no idea what to do. Should he call the police? But what would he say? “yeah I think Santa got shot in the head and crashed his sleigh in my front yard. I think he’s the real deal.” On the other hand, if he didn’t call the police there would be no “possibly dead”. He’d definitely be dead.

Reason won out and he decided to call 000.

  “uhhh there’s a guy in my front yard that seems to be dead. He’s dressed like Santa            and he’s got a sleigh and reindeer.”

He probably shouldn’t have added that last part. The dispatcher sounded annoyed and hung up. The existence of Santa was a very touchy subject. The idea of Santa had been created centuries ago for children. A mysterious person that every year came to every child’s house to give presents to them. But then one year parents all around the world started noticing presents that they hadn’t bought and missing cookies that they hadn’t eaten.

Many people still had massive reservations about the idea of him actually existing and argued that they must have just forgotten about the presents or there were people pretending to be Santa.*The possible existence of Santa became an extremely taboo topic of discussion and if you brought it up you would be met with a lot of annoyance.

After the dispatcher hung up, angus put down the phone and stared at the body. It had been a very long 10 minutes.

                                                       


                                                   ***************


It had all gone according to plan. Derek had asked to see Santa one last time so now he was on his way to collect the body. Things would get a little more complicated if he was spotted by any humans but he’d deal with that later. For now he could just think to the future. What was he going to do now that Santa was out of the picture. Gerald had been Santa’s right hand man and intern for as long as he could remember.

 Up until a week and a half ago his entire life revolved around covering up every dark secret Santa wanted hidden in order to preserve his reputation. Behind every amazing thing Santa did that gained him legions of supporters was a disgusting unethical act. 13 years ago Santa created sustainable efficient lighting for the entire North Pole. Nobody knew about the poor reindeer chained up connected to machines in the basement.

Just thinking about it made him livid. Santa was the scum of the earth. With him out of the way, now all he has to do is get rid of Mrs Claus.

                                                    *****************

It was almost as if he had been in a trance. He had been staring at Santa’s dead body for almost 15 minutes. Finally, he had realized how it would look if someone came by and saw a dead body out the front of his house. The only solution he could come up with to this problem, however was calling the police again. He started to pull out his phone when he noticed something in the dark night sky flying towards him.

As it got closer the image got clearer and he started to realise that what was flying towards him was a sleigh very similar to the one crashed in his front yard. Pretty soon he could make out a small figure sitting atop the sleigh holding the reins.

                                                   ****************

As he got closer and closer to Santa’s location he spotted a figure standing near the body. He put the sleigh in landing mode and rummaged around in his pocket for anything of use. Finding nothing, he simply prepared for landing.

                                                   ****************

It didn’t take him long to recognise the figure as an elf. Which meant he was definitely here for Santa. The sleigh finally landed and the elf disembarked, completely ignoring him and walked over to the body. He stared at Santa for a good twenty seconds before picking up Santa’s body and dumping him in the sleigh. Finally, he turned around and acknowledged him.

  “Get in.”

                                               


                                                    *****************

 News travels fast in the North pole. Within half an hour of Santa’s assassination, there were countless reports covering the story, each more farfetched and attention grabbing than the last. “Santa found dead in a hotel room” was the most popular one. No one actually knew how Santa had died but there were a lot of people calling it an extreme act of terrorism. Which, let’s be honest, it really was. The public opinion of Santa had been drastically split for years between “messiah come to save elves from total extinction” and “Satan spawn”.  So there were a lot of people very sad and angry and a lot of people very happy because of Santa’s death.

A lot of Santa’s big detractors were saying it was just what the north pole needed to thrive. But regardless of what you thought about it, everyone wanted to find out who had done. If Derek didn’t try to cover it up now it wouldn’t take long for everyone to find out. Gerald should be back soon and from there they could just dump the body somewhere and make sure no one who knew what they had done would start telling.

He had been sitting in his office waiting for Gerald’s return for around 10 minutes before an elf bursted in terrified and visibly enraged.

   “What have you done!” He shouted.

    “What have I done?” Derek said calmly.

    “You told me all we had to do was make Santa step down and we could be leader!”

    “That’s true, yes, I did say that. But sometimes people say things they don’t mean. Which   why when I say you’re free to go, I don’t mean that, now do I.”

The elf stared at Derek absolutely mortified. He turned to run but Derek was quicker and he was struck down. Derek pulled out the knife and took hold of the body. He dragged it across the room and opened the door to leave.

                                                   *****************

The elf hadn’t said anything to him for the whole trip. He could tell when they entered the north pole,however,because the temperature took a massive nosedive. Pretty soon, he could make out what seemed to be a landing zone and the sleigh began its descent. The sleigh landed and the elf got out carrying Santa’s body, gesturing for him to get out as well.

  “With me.”

Angus followed him, wondering why the elf wasn’t saying much. He definitely seemed to be an elf of few words. They were entering a quite futuristic looking building and as he followed the elf deeper into the building he could feel it getting warmer and warmer. Pretty soon they arrived at an office door. The elf opened the door and he followed him in.

                                                 *****************

Mrs Claus was one of the first people to find out about her husband’s death. D418 had broken the news to her as soon as it had found out.

She had ordered it away and summoned B593 and c825 to bring her tissues and tea respectively. 400 years ago Mrs Claus used some of Santa’s money to buy 11 servant elves which were all given specific tasks they had to complete. D418 was the messenger one, B593 was the tissues one and G825 was the tea one. Over the years, of course, the elves bred and 11 turned into thousands.

Less than thirty seconds later, G825 was being ordered away with the empty teacup and she decided to send for B234. B234 was the “consolement” one. With Santa being the leader of the north pole, She had become very frustrated and B234 was helpful in that respect. She suspected she’d need it even more now that her husband was dead.

C102 watched B234 leave with Mrs Claus and returned to work. It’s job was feeding the reindeer. The reindeer had been extremely rowdy ever since their old master(It’s father) had died. It was only young and had been thrust into the reindeer feeding job early because of Its father’s passing. While it was feeding them one of the reindeer leapt at it and bit it’s arm.

C102 froze. The reindeer had bitten his special implant chip off. He looked around dazed and confused. Then it hit him. He had the wool pulled over his eyes for so long. But now he was free. And he was angry.

                                                          *****************

As he followed him through the door, he could see the other elf’s face turn to confusion and shock.

  “Who’s this?” the second elf asked slowly.

  “He was found near Santa’s body.” the first elf replied.

  “Ah. So, what are we going to do about it?”

Angus stayed silent, wondering what they meant.

   “He will have to be disposed.” The second elf said again.

He thought he had a pretty good idea what they meant. He started to try to back out the door but was stopped by the second elf. He introduced himself as Derek and told him to wait there while he retrieved something.

                                                       *****************

It wasn’t in any of these drawers. She opened another one. Nothing. Shut*. There were only three drawers left. It had to be in one of these. She opened one. Nothing. She opened the second one. Relief flooded through her as she came face to face with a metal remote. This was it. She pulled it out and examined it. It was the shape of a small tv remote with a single small button on it.

C102 took a deep breath and pushed the button. She pocketed the remote and walked out of the room into the storm. It had all come back to her. The fitting process*.Whenever a new servant was born, they were fitted with a chip that allowed them to be controlled. The chips of every single servant elf could be activated or deactivated easily by simply pushing the button on the remote. 

Walking out of Mrs Claus’s storage room, she was instantly met with mass panic. Every elf was recovering from deactivation. Confusion was slowly turning to anger. One by one, all the elves were fulling regaining the memories and realising what had been done to them. The door to Mrs Claus’s chambers was flung open and Mrs Claus ran out horrified. B234 chased her out with resentment in his eyes. She was trapped between a mob of angry elves and a single clearly furious one. Everything was quiet for a few seconds until the door to the kitchen and an elf charged out.

   “I found the steak knives.” She said.

In just 30 seconds Mrs Claus was bleeding out on the floor.

                                                *****************

He stood there completely still. It felt as if eternity had passed waiting for Derek to come back. Finally, he could hear footsteps approaching the office. He glanced at the other elf to see him staring daggers into him. There was nothing he could do. He was trapped. He waited to die. Instead, Derek came back into the room holding what looked like a lightbulb with a handle.

  “Sit down, human.” 

He sat down. Derek fiddled with the machine and aimed it at him. Angus was slowly starting to work out what this machine was. He braced himself and waited for death. Before this could happen another elf suddenly ran in the room.

  “Sir there’s been a revo-What are you doing!”

She stood there in terror before slowly turning around slowly and bolting out the door. Derek and the other elf swiftly chased after her without thinking. Angus stood up and simply walked out the door. Too easy.

                                                         *****************

This was not how Sarah expected her day to go. She had woken up today thinking it was going to be just a normal day but in the span of an hour her leader had been assassinated, her leaders’ wife had been killed and now she was being chased down a hallway by her oldest friends. They had gone through the academy together. They had worked together. But now they were trying to kill her. She had suspected for a while they wanted to get rid of Santa. Ever since Derek had regained his memories.

                                                        *****************

 3 years ago


Waking up was the worst part of Derek’s day. The feeling of realising that the dream of no longer working at Santa’s workshop was nothing more than a mere fantasy was horrible. Getting out of bed was the hardest things he’s ever had to do and he did it every single day of his life. The North Pole was a haven for all, except for the people that made it like that. Those people had to suffer for 15 hours every day being ordered around by Santa until they eventually get a spinal injury and are fired on the spot for incompetence.

Some days are worse than others. On a good day he’ll just come home with his wrist in great pain. On a bad day he’ll be contemplating suicide by breakfast. This was one of those bad days. It was made all the worse by receiving a summons from Santa. At 11:00 A:M Derek left to go to Santa’s office. As he opened the door he was met with a big shock. Where Santa’s desk should have been as a hole with a smoot metal pole descending downwards.

                                                        *****************

   

When he built his office, Santa deliberately made it overlook the factory floor. That’s how he liked it. He liked to make sure they were doing their work correctly. On occasion, however, Santa liked to recuperate from the stress of being the leader of the north pole. Every time, he would have to make sure the door was closed and locked. He didn’t need anyone finding out about his ulterior motives.

He always found it interesting that everyone assumed he hired those disgusting elves and paid them to make presents out of the goodness of his heart. Everyone always has ulterior motives for everything, he would say. He was paid quite handsomely by the humans. He received approximately 3 billion cookies a year for his goodwill. That was enough for a year’s supply once they were ground up. Certainly more than enough compensation for elves’ wages.

5 minutes later, he unlocked the door and went to stand out on the balcony overlooking the factor. He had built himself a nice little empire. Many people thought of him as a benevolent leader. Of course, he had taken a few liberties and… ethical shortcuts, shall we say, but it was all done in the name of the people. The ends very much so justified the means, in Santa’s case.

He stood at his balcony for 10 minutes just soaking in the sights of his factory before retiring back into his office. He opened the third drawer of his desk and pulled out a small remote. Santa pushed the small red button and the floor opened up, Santa’s office desk slowly descending down into the darkness on a metal pole.

He pulled a flashlight from his jack and waded into the dark. As he got closer he could hear the usual noises. Whimpering. Whining. Finally, he approached the creature. His greatest creation. Once his best reindeer, he eventually realized it’s unique potential. He was a philanthropist, first and foremost. So he had made that sacrifice for the whole north pole. He had put his best men to work figuring out how to harvest it and then wiped their minds afterwards.

As a result, the north pole was prospering. Sustainable energy to power the whole north pole. Every day he would come down here to feed the poor Rudolph. He pulled out the carrot bowl from under the machine and filled it with enough carrots to last him until tomorrow. The reindeer happily polished off the whole bowl. Santa patted the reindeer on the head and checked the machinery. Everything was in working order.

He turned to leave but was faced with his best worker Derek staring wide eyed back at him.

  “What is going on here?”*

Santa fumbled around in his jacket for a mind wiper but he was too late. Derek turned around and fled. He couldn’t have this getting out so he chased after him. Derek started to climb up the metal pole but it was too slippery and he lost his grip. Santa pointed the mind wiper at Derek and pulled the trigger.

                                                         

                               

                                                 *****************


  1 year later

Derek had been dissatisfied with working for Santa for years. It only takes a few days to start to realise what the job is going to be like. For years he suffered in silence working for Santa. He could remember every single moment from every single day that he worked in Santa’s workshop. Strangely, there was an entire hour from a day last year that he couldn’t remember at all. It was obvious someone must have used a mind wiper on him, but who? And why?

He could remember making a toy in the workshop and then the next thing he knew he was lying in his bed. The mystery had plagued him for a whole year. It was bizarre. Looking up, he realized that he had been so lost in his thoughts that he had ended up at the reindeer pen. Derek froze. He could hear whimpering coming from the pen. Every whimper the reindeer made emanated across his head, yelling at him to remember.


Finally it hit him. It all came flooding back. Walking into Santa’s office to find a hole in the ground where his desk should be. The metal pole leading down into the darkness. Climbing down it to find out where Rudolph had disappeared to all the years ago. The horror of it all. How had he forgotten it? Then he remembered. Santa aiming a mind wiper at him. It had all cut to black and he had woken up in his bed with no memory of it ever happening.

He had always seen the mind wipers as a disgusting piece of technology. A simple device that gave anyone the ability to violate your mind and erase the most sacred things a person could possess. The greatest experience you’ve ever had could be erased a day later. He despised the things and as they rolled into homes he despised anyone who used them.

Now his boss, someone who he should trust, had used one on him to preserve his own reputation. Derek started to wonder who else had been punished for finding things out about Santa that they shouldn’t. That was the day he lost all faith and trust in Santa. That was the day he decided to kill him.

                                                         *****************

 Present day

Sarah rubbed her eyes and looked around her room. Wait, her room? How had she gotten here? She was just on her way to see Derek about Mrs Claus’s murder. But now she had woken up in her bed. Being high up, she was used to having her memory wiped. It didn’t change how disorientating and scary it was. Memory wipes were so mentally exhausting the victim enters a deep coma for approximately 20 minutes. She had no idea how much had been taken for her but it was seemingly a lot. She got out of bed to make herself coffee, rubbing her head.

Memory wipes were exhausting. She sat still at her breakfast table waiting for her brain to recalibrate. Looking at the clock, she realized it was 3:00 A:M. Mrs Claus had been murdered at 11:37 P:M. What could be so important they had to take more than three hours of her memories? She pondered this for a while. Finally, she stood up, grabbed her coat and left. Just another day at work. 

                                                       ********************

He’d definitely been here before. Angus had only been walking for 10 minutes but he was already lost. It was like a labyrinth. He turned a corner and then realized he was going in circles. He had no idea how to get out of this building. He would walk down a hallway, then another one, then another one and then he would see the same potted plant he saw 2 minutes ago.

How was he going to get out of here? He was starting to panic when he heard footsteps approaching. He waited with bated breath hoping that it wasn’t the Derek and the other elf from before. The footsteps grew louder and eventually the elf turned the corner. Derek pointed the mind wiper at him and pulled the trigger.

                                         

                                                     *******************


As he lugged the body back to Derek’s office, Gerald’s mind drifted to the future. When they became leader, what was going to happen to all the elves that knew about what they had done? There were accomplices to Santa’s assassination that were not going to get the cut that they expected. He pitied the poor soul that was going to have to track down all those people. Of course, Gerald knew that that job would fall on him.


He wasn’t looking forward to it. The fun parts would come when he got to dispose of them, but before then there was going to be a lot of paperwork. Finally, he reached Derek’s office and opened the door. Dumping the body on the ground, he asked what was going to happen to the human.

  

  “Whatever you want.” Derek replied.


Gerald smiled. He had been looking for a test subject for a while now.


                                                    *****************


Rupert was the best pathologist in the North Pole. So it made sense that they would send for him when Santa died. They had retrieved the body from Gerald, Santa’s intern and Rupert had begun immediately. It didn’t take long for him to discover the bullet lodged in Santa’s head.

  “No wonder the sleigh crashed. All telepathic control with the reindeer would have been

   completely cut off.” Rupert thought.

After that discovery Rupert quickly realized what had actually happened to Santa. He had a lot of phone calls to make. However, it only took one call to get “extremist organisation murders Santa Claus” plastered all over the news. Everyone in the north pole was wondering two things. Who had killed him and who was going to replace him now that he was dead.

                                                    *******************

 2 years later

It hadn’t been long since Santa died but it felt like eternity to C102. After the Claus’ actions were revealed to the public, all of the servant elves were given heavy therapy. It had been all the new leader’s idea. She liked the new leader. He hadn’t punished any of the servant elves for what happened to Mrs Claus. Things were a lot different under the new order. Everyone was put at an equal playing field. The upper class suffered and the lower class prospered.

Soon nobody would remember the old ways. Nobody would remember Santa. All they would know is Derek and his new order. Everyone would be under his control.

                                                 *******************

She had made a very big mistake. Assassinating Santa had seemed at the time like an easy enough job and it paid high. So she had taken it, not thinking through any of the consequences. She didn’t think that in the north pole’s vulnerability, a new and even worse leader would step up to the plate. The north pole was effectively, now a tyrannical dictatorship. 


And it was all her fault.