The Force Goes Back to Sleep
Five minutes ago, in a galaxy that is honestly not all that far away…
The words ‘Episode 10: The Force Goes Back to Sleep’ suddenly appeared out of nowhere in the middle of outer space, and massive yellow letters began scrolling upwards. The letters said:
“Luke Skywalk… wait a minute, someone is calling my phone. What? We can’t say the character’s name? He’s copyrighted by Disney? But I thought this was fair use due to being parody? What do you mean it’s not funny enough to be considered parody? We’re already in the opening scroll, I can’t just roll it back and start over. You want me to just write whatever? Okay! Okay! I’ll figure something out…
So… what’s the deal with airline food?”
“Did you see all of those letters flying through space, Happy Pie?” John asked as he stood near his tiny floating robot, which seemed to be made of some pink translucid material and had a single eye. The two were looking up into the sky while on the surface of a desert planet. “Why were there a bunch of letters just randomly scrolling in the middle of outer space? Speaking of which, those letters must have been gigantic for us to be able to see them from here. Who the hell just decided to waste a bunch of money with big letters?”
Happy Pie transformed from his regular sphere shape into a more humanoid form and shrugged while making confused beeping noises. The two suddenly heard a large explosion, as they turned to see a massive spaceship flying over them while firing energy cannons.
“Oh yeah! We’re under attack! I forgot!” John declared and ran into a nearby building. Happy Pie morphed into the shape of a tiny bird and flew after him. The two ran as fast as they could and left through the backdoor, only to find themselves face to face with a large group of soldiers, all pointing their blasters straight at them. John screamed in surprise, while Happy Pie morphed into an exclamation mark.
The two closed their eyes as the soldiers opened fire. They opened their eyes to see literally all of the blasts had missed, leaving large burn marks in the area around the two without harming them in any way.
“Stormtrapper aim.” John commented. Happy Pie turned into a head and nodded. The two ran back into the building. “We’re completely surrounded! I’ll need you to take this!”
John reached for his jacket and pulled out a microchip. Happy Pie morphed into a question mark.
“It’s a macguffin. The readers don’t care what it is.” John explained. Satisfied with the answer, Happy Pie turned back into his sphere form, and John placed the microchip inside of him. The microchip dissolved and disappeared, as all of the information in it was downloaded into Happy Pie’s memory. “Now go! Run!”
Happy Pie beeped as he looked at John.
“I’m not gonna die. I already signed a contract to be in the sequel.” John explained. Happy Pie beeped once again, morphed into a small rocket, and flew out through a window.
John nodded and left the building through the front door, only for several more Stormtrappers to aim their blasts right at him. One of them pulled the trigger, only for his blast to completely miss John, hit a wall, and then bounce back and hit another Stormtrapper on the chest. He felt to the ground as a thick red liquid began coming out of the wound.
“This ruined my uniform!” The Stormtrapper complained. “It broke my lucky ketchup bottle too!”
“I told you not to bring this stupid bottle on missions!” Another Stormtrapper declared as he approached his friend on the ground. The wounded trapper touched the other one’s helmet with his ketchup-stained glove, leaving a large ketchup mark on his helmet. “Why do you bring ketchup everywhere you go?”
“It’s just in case we have to fight a giant sandwich.” The one on the ground explained.
They all looked up, as the large spaceship landed right next to them, and the door opened to allow a middle-aged man to walk out. The man played a trumpet and began to speak.
“Attention, soldiers! All rise for the arrival of the Dark One!” The man declared. “The Lord of Lords! The Spawn of Shadows! The Deadliest Deceiver! The great and powerful–”
“Enzo Gabriel!” Declared a teenager, as he leaped out of the spaceship while wearing sunglasses and hippie clothes. “Do you have games on your phone, Uncle Daniel?”
“There are no games here, Enzo Gabriel.” The old man Daniel declared.
“Oh yeah? My dad owns ROBLOX!” Enzo Gabriel screamed from the top of his lungs.
John pretended to cough, as they all once again turned to him.
“Oh yeah! You!” Enzo Gabriel commented. He waved his hand, and John’s body began floating in the air, being violently pulled towards the iPad kid. “Tell where you hid the… the… what are we searching for again?”
“Nobody cares what it is, it’s just a macguffin.” Daniel explained. Enzo nodded.
“Where is it!” Enzo asked in a deep and menacing voice. The spoiled brat coughed. “How the hell did Christian Bale keep doing this voice for a whole movie? His throat must have been shredded by the end!”
Enzo Gabriel pulled a small metal hilt out of his pocket and pressed a button, as a large red energy blade came out of it, only for it to quickly change shape into a cartoonish looking hand. Enzo slapped John in the face with the hand.
“Ouch! Rude!” John complained. Enzo slapped him again. “Stop it! This is slightly annoying!”
“Jesus Christ! Just search him already!” Daniel yelled in annoyance. He went up to John and quickly searched his body. “It’s not with him!”
“Put him on board. We’ll find a way to make him talk!” Enzo declared as he laughed maniacally, once again coughing. He shook his head for a moment to regain his composure. “Anyway, Uncle Daniel, do you have more chocolate cookies?”
“You ate them all last night, Enzo Gabriel.” Daniel explained as they all got into the ship.
“Oh yeah? Then you better know that my dad owns FORTNITE!” Enzo screamed from the top of his lungs as the door to the ship closed and it flew away.
“How is it going there, Steven?” One of the Stormtrappers asked as he entered the laundry room of the Second Order. In the room there was another trapper, who had taken off his helmet to reveal his black skin, and was trying to wash the ketchup out of his helmet.
“Ugh! This thing won’t come off!” Steven complained, failing to wipe the red stain with a sponge. “I hate that we have to do our own laundry. Shouldn’t there be someone specifically hired to do this?”
“They could hire someone, but then they’d have to raise taxes to pay them.” The other Stormtrapper explained. “It’s the policy of the Second Order. 99.9% of the tax money goes to raising the salaries of our leaders, and 0.1% goes to helping the citizens. You know, just like every government.”
“So, what do you want here?” Steven asked.
“Enzo Gabriel is about to go interrogate the prisoner, and he needs two trappers to be near him so he can look more menacing.” He explained. “Wanna come?”
“Sure!” Steven commented, as he put in his helmet.
The doors to the dark room flung open, and Enzo Gabriel walked in, surrounded by a pair of Stormtrappers. The lights suddenly turned themselves on, to reveal John strapped to a chair.
“I am only going to ask this once…” Enzo whispered menacingly. “Do you have games on your phone?”
One of the Stormtrappers approached Enzo and whispered on his ear.
“Oh, yeah, the macguffin.” Enzo nodded.
“What are you going to do to me?” John asked in a serious tone of voice. “Use your powers to choke me? Use them to crush my brain? It won’t matter! Do your worse, but I will never speak!”
“Oh, I will!” Enzo declared. He snapped his fingers, and the two Stormtrappers left the room, only for them to quickly come back with a television screen.
“What is that?” John asked in slight surprise.
“You will see!” Enzo declared as he used a remote control to turn the TV on, showing what seemed to be a scene from a super hero show, featuring two women in an office.
“No…” John whispered in disbelief. “Even you could not be so cruel!”
Enzo laughed maniacally as the scene continued playing.
“Just your signature there… and then just initials… and initials up here…” Declared the woman on the screen, who had been turned green with the use of poor CGI that made her look like Fiona from Shrek.
“No… No! NO!” John screamed in terror and agony, as the two characters began dancing on screen. “ANYTHING BUT THAT!”
“You are way more fun than my last lawyer!” One of the characters declared, as the other one began twerking onto the screen.
“PLEASE! GOD! NO!” John screamed desperately. The scene ended, only for it to replay on a loop. “GET ME OUT OF HERE! PLEASE! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!”
“The macguffin is with a robot.” Enzo declared to his earpiece as he left the room, leaving behind the two Stormtrappers to guard the prisoner. “It is probably somewhere in the planet Desertia. Search the place and recover the robot.”
“Well, that was quick.” One of the Stormtrappers declared. The two stood in awkward silence for a few seconds. “So… what’s the deal with airline food?”
Steven looked at him in slight confusion, only turning back when John finally spoke.
“You don’t have to be with the Second Order, you know?” John commented as he weakly looked at the two. “You could rebel and join us in the Resistance.”
“Oh, please!” Steven declared. “We’ve been trained since childhood to serve the Second Order, and betraying it would without a doubt be a death sentence. What the hell do you think the Resistance has that would make us abandon all of that?”
“We have a guy that does our laundry.” John answered with a shrug.
Steven pulled out his blaster and shot the other Stormtrapper. Steven took off his helmet and began freeing John.
“It’s just that easy?” John asked.
“Gotta keep the plot going somehow.” Steven commented, as he finished untying John and helped him up.
The two carefully sneaked into a small escape pod, just barely big enough for the two passengers. John pressed the power button and the entire thing lit up.
“You know how to fly this thing, right?” Steven asked.
“Of course! I’m the thirteenth best pilot in the entire Resistance!” John declared, as he accidentally elbowed a button, which made an alarm begin playing all over the Second Order ship. Steven looked at John, who smiled awkwardly while scratching the back of his head.
“Just get us out of here!” Steven yelled. John nodded while grabbing onto the controls. The small escape pod flew out of the large spaceship. Steven turned, to see they were being followed by several other escape pods. “We got company!”
Steven pressed a button as a second set of controls appeared in front of him, as well as a small screen with a targeting system. Steven carefully aimed and pulled the trigger, as their escape pod fired a blast, which perfectly struck the other three pods, blowing all three of them at once.
“How can you shoot so well?” John asked in confusion. “Aren’t you a Stormtrapper?”
“Stormtrapper aim improves by 3000% whenever we rebel.” Steven explained. “Everybody knows that.”
John nodded and continued flying, when the Second Order ship released a larger pod after the two. Steven aimed and perfectly fired onto the enemy, only for the blast to do nothing.
“He’s too strong!” John yelled in surprise. “Our weapons are useless!”
“Not all of them!” Steven declared as he pressed a small button, and a small trumpet came out of the ceiling of the ship. Steven grabbed the trumpet and played the Star Wars opening theme song, making several large yellow letters begin to scroll upwards into space. The letters struck the enemy ship, blowing it up instantly.
“Thank you, giant letters!” John yelled with a smile. The Second Order ship prepared one of its cannons and fired, blowing up one of the propellers of their escape pod. “Barnacles!”
The two screamed as they lost control of the pod, which fell and crashed onto the nearby desert planet of Desertia.
“Next you’re going to say that was falling with style!” Steven complained as he crawled out of the pod into the sands of the desert. He reached back into the pod and grabbed a type of fabric, pulling it out to see it was John’s jacket. “Hm?”
Steven once again turned to the escape pod, only for it to suddenly sink into quicksand. Steven stared at the scene in slight shock. He felt a hand on his shoulder from behind.
“You got my jacket? Thanks?” John commented.
“You’re okay?” Steven asked as he handed the jacket over. He pressed a button on his wrist, which made his Stormtrapper armor fall apart, and revealed him to have been wearing casual clothes underneath it this entire time.
“What? Did you think I was going to just disappear right out of my clothes for a third of the story, and then just magically reappear later in a completely different planet?” John asked as he put on his jacket.
“You got a point, that would be dumb.” Steven nodded. They looked around the large desert. “I believe we should be heading north?”
John nodded. Steven went north and John made his way south.
“This way is north!” Steven yelled. John turned around and followed him.
It was a large enclosed location, almost completely dark, and entirely made of rusted metal. The sound of footsteps echoed through the room as the young scavenger made her way through the metallic ruins. That scavenger was a young woman.
“Excuse me, just passing by.” Patricia commented as she walked through the ruins. She made her way through a metal bridge suspended by metal strings, only for all but two of the strings to break, making the bridge begin to swing back and forth. Patricia ignored the swinging and simply walked out of the bridge in the exact moment that it aligned with the pathway she wanted to take. She continued walking as the bridge collapsed literally seconds after she left it.
She moved on, stepping onto a boobytrap that made the walls around her fire several burning arrows. Patricia looked down and noticed her shoe was untied. She got down to tie it, avoiding the arrows just at the right second. A massive piece of metal came lose right above the girl, and was about to crush her, when she slipped onto a slippery piece of the metal, accidentally sliding into safety as the piece of metal harmlessly crushed the platform she had just left. Patricia got back up and looked around.
“There it is!” Patricia declared, making her way towards the center of the construction and pulling a large battery off the ground. “There might still be some energy in this thing.”
She casually went out of the construction through a nearby entrance, revealing that she was actually inside an abandoned destroyed giant robot in the middle of the desert. She casually walked away, ignoring that the robot had begun sinking into quicksand the exact moment she left it.
“Thank you.” Patricia declared as she took two dollars from the alien and handed him over the battery. She casually left the store, making her way through the small alien market. She casually counted the money in her hands, when she suddenly heard the sound of an explosion, and turned to see a nearby food market had just collapsed.
“Damn you!” The alien complained as he tried to stab Happy Pie with a knife, only for the robot to easily avoid it by shape shifting a hole in his body and allowing the knife to harmlessly go through it.
“What is happening here?” Patricia asked as she ran into the scene. Upon seeing Happy Pie, her eyes widened and her mouth opened slightly.
“This damn thing flew in like a rocket and blew up my store!” The alien declared. Happy Pie simply beeped in response, trying to let the alien know that he didn’t do it on purpose.
“Oh! sorry about that! This is my robot that I sent out on a scavenger hunt!” Patricia lied, as she took Happy Pie in her hands and handed the alien the two dollars that she had just obtained. “Here! Two hundred dollars should pay for the damages!”
“Give me this!” The alien declared as he took the money for her and quickly counted it. “This isn’t two hundred dollars, it’s just two!”
The alien looked up, only to see both Patricia and the robot had vanished.
“So, what is your story?” Patricia asked as the two hid behind a nearby store.
Happy Pie beeped and morphed into a padlock.
“Classified?” Patricia asked with a smile. “Okay, keep your secrets.”
Happy Pie morphed into a question mark and beeped.
“How I ended up here?” Patricia commented. “That’s kind of a long story. It started when my father’s adopted sister’s great uncle’s cousin twice removed’s former mailman went out for a good cup of tea in the year 1987…”
Happy Pie beeped once again, already losing interest. He noticed something in the distance and beeped.
“You know those two?” Patricia asked.
“Finally… civilization… water… food…” John gasped, desperately crawling through the sand. “We’ve been here for days! Weeks! Months!”
“We’ve been here for twenty minutes.” Steven commented. “Stop being dramatic.”
“What’s the fun of even being in the desert if I can’t be dramatic?” John asked as he easily got back up. The two heard the sound of beeping, and turned to see a familiar robot flying towards them. “Happy Pie?”
Happy Pie beeped, morphing into his tiny humanoid form and hugging John.
“We just happened to crash into a walking distance of the spot where your robot was, even though we could have crashed literally anywhere on the planet?” Steven asked. “Well, that is convenient.”
“I love when things are convenient.” Patricia commented as she approached the two.
“Who are you?” Steven asked.
“Oh, okay.” Steven nodded.
The four suddenly herd the sound of thrusters, and looked up to see several small spaceships flying above the marketplace. Patricia’s eyes widened and her mouth opened slightly.
“We’ve located a robot that seems to fit the description.” Declared a loud voice from one of the ships. “Deploying Stormtrappers.”
The ships hovered close to the ground, as several Stormtrappers jumped out and pointed their blasters at the three. Patricia reached for her back, pulling out a large battle staff. Steven reached for his jacket, pulling out a blaster. Happy Pie morphed a pair of rocket launchers on his sides. John reached for his jackets, realizing he had nothing.
“Oh yeah… they took my weapons away when I got captured…”
John screamed like a little girl and jumped away, hiding behind a large brick wall as the trappers opened fire. There were sparks and burn marks everywhere as he looked around in panic.
“Think, John! You’re the thirteenth best pilot in the Resistance!” He whispered to himself. “If only piloting skills translated into combat skills…”
John continued to look around, seeing several spaceships parked in the distance.
Happy Pie beeped as he flew over the battlefield, three spaceships flying after him. The ships fired several rockets, which the robot responded by firing back. The bombs crashed in the sky, creating massive explosions. Happy Pie shape shifted thrusters, flying right through the fireballs and towards one of the ships, before morphing into a drill, and piercing right through the wing of a ship, making the pilot lose control as the vehicle began spinning around. Happy Pie created a pair of automatic blasters and opened fire upon the other two vessels, who continued to chase him through the sky.
Three Stormtrappers ran towards Steven and opened fire, which the rebel managed to easily avoid, before quickly shooting the blasters out of the Stormtrapper’s hands. The blasters fell to the ground and exploded. Steven dashed and struck one of the trappers with a punch, knocking him out, and then knocked out the second one with a flying kick. The third Stormtrapper ran towards Steven and tried to wrestle with him, only for Steven to quickly strike him with a headbutt, making him faint.
“That was for making me do the laundry, you bastards!” Steven joked, as he continued to run through the battlefield.
“Excuse me! Passing by!” Patricia commented as she ran through the marketplace, only for a large group of a least ten trappers to approach her, all with their weapons ready. Patricia put her hands up, when that same ship Happy Pie had damaged suddenly fell on top of the Stormtrappers, consuming them in a large explosion. Patricia’s eyes widened and her mouth opened slightly. “Why do I always make this same facial expression?”
Patricia ran into an open are right in the middle of the battlefield, where she reunited with Steven and Happy Pie.
“Okay! Who isn’t dead?” Patricia asked.
“Where is John?” Steven asked, when several Stormtrappers came running from every direction, completely surrounding them.
“Any last words?” One of the Stormtrappers asked.
“Racket, carrot juice, and comet.” Steven answered. “I don’t know why. I just like those words.”
The Stormtrappers prepared to open fire, when a small ship flew above them and dropped several bombs, which blew the trappers away.
“Sorry if I took long.” John declared from the cockpit of the ship, as the vehicle released ropes for the three to climb inside. “Most of the ships in this place were old pieces of junk, so I had a hard time picking the least bad one.”
“Everyone aboard? Okay! Let’s get moving!” John declared as he began flying away from the market, just as the other three entered the cockpit.
“Seems like they’re hot on our trail!” Patricia declared, as she looked at the radar to see two ships following them. “Can you speed up?”
“This is a Model MF-77! We’re lucky it can even fly to begin with!” John answered.
“We’ll have to shoot them down!” Steven declared. He went through a door and down a set of stairs. He reached a small secondary cockpit, where he grabbed a set of controls. Steven carefully aimed the cannons of the ship and opened fire. The two blasts perfectly struck the two enemy, but it had no effect on their hard metal shields. The two ships fired back, which John was just barely able to avoid. “We’ll need more firepower!”
Happy Pie beeped from the cockpit and melted onto a bizarre liquid. The liquid hit the controls, seeming to merge with them as they turned pink. The effect then spread all over the ship as Happy Pie took over the entire vessel. He quickly used his shape shifting powers to make the cannons bigger and more advanced.
“Now that’s what I’m talking about!” Steven declared as he swiftly fired at the two enemy ships, blowing their wings up and forcing them to perform an emergency landing. Happy Pie beeped, as he used his powers to upgrade the thrusters of the ship, and flew right through the atmosphere of Desertia and into outer space.
“That was so cool!” Patricia commented as Steven climbed back to the cockpit, and Happy Pie separated from the ship, going back to his tiny ball form.
“Alright!” John declared with a smile. “To the Resistance now?”
The other three nodded, before the ship went into lightspeed and warped away.
Daniel walked down the long metal hallways of the Second Order ship. He opened a particular set of doors and walked into the room.
“Enzo Gabriel.” Daniel greeted.
“Get out of my room, Uncle Daniel! I’m playing Fortnite!” Enzo yelled, holding a Nintendo Switch in his hands.
“I’ve come to inform you that our men were unable to recover the macguffin in Desertia. It flew away using a Model MF-77.” Daniel explained. “We no longer have any reason to stay near this planet. I’ve already took the liberty to order the ship to be moved immediately.”
“Oh yeah? How about you tell them that my dad owns MINECRAFT!” Enzo yelled from the top of his lungs, his voice echoing through the Second Order ship as it flew away from Desertia at lightspeed, chasing after the same direction the Model MF-77 had gone.
To be continued?
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