Captured The Silence
Short Story I
I felt so incredibly sad. I was thinking about old memories, old non-fiction tales which was floating in my mind. Not even tales, it was more like fragments of an ancient event, and it wasn't even that long time ago. But it felt like it was coming from another period of time.
The grip around my neck was sudden, just like the punch in my face. He had convinced me to make love with him, and I agreed even though I felt a bit awkward. Maybe he noticed I felt uncomfortable, I don't know, but the harsh grip and the sudden punch made my body completely frozen and I couldn't even move any longer. I stopped to move out of fear.
When my body reacted in that way he seemed to be even more mad. Several more punches in my face and when my tears started to flow, his moves just became more aggressive. I just tried to hold back my tears and was taking whatever he made me do.
A year later he tried to contact me again. I had been struggling to sleep at night, had terrible flashbacks and was reacting like a wild animal on certain moves that was similar to the incident a year ago.
I pushed the "block user"-button and decided to move on. Although, he did apologize, but it would never cure my fears.
Tonight was one of those nights again, and I got up to tell one fragment of my story. And I hope I won't regret it.
This was only one fragment of what kind of life I was living at the time.
Short Story II
"You have to try to hurry up!"
She stared at me. I was holding my jacket, couldn't move. The sun was burning my skin and the clothes felt weird and funny. My shoes was too big and my socks too thick.
My teacher looked at me. She was annoyed. I was naturally slow in my moves, but honestly... I didn't want to go out to the other children. I didn't want to be either alone in a corner or treated as an animal at the zoo. I wanted to interact in a genuine way but at the same time I didn't want to speak to other children.
I finally got out when it was about ten minutes left of the lunch break. I stared at the ground to avoid other people looking at me.
Already as a child I noticed how different I was. Who are you?, I asked myself already as an eight years old. Why are everything a problem for me? Problems that other children - and adults - barely notices?
I felt confused and scared.
"Am I a moster?" I asked my mom one day. She looked at me in a surprised way.
"No, of course not, honey!" she replied. "Who told you that?"
My own brain told me that. I wanted to say that to her, that my mind told me that. But I didn't dare. Not even my parents understod me in the way I wanted.
Short Story III
I have a tendency to find myself in the wrong company.
We was making love, me and this wonderful, brilliant, but yet naive girl. She was wonderful and we had so much in common. But she slowly started to hate me.
We kissed, we talked, we had sex - two insecure females with a tragic backstory - we was around each other all the time.
I really liked her, even though I may not have fully loved her. She was my best friend during a few months. I taught her stuff. She hadn’t finished school, so she had a lot to ask. I was studying at the moment, and am still to this day I writing this story, and I love reading books about science on my free time too.
But her behavior changed due to drugs and a disorder she had too. And slowly, she started to complain about my Autism diagnosis. I couldn’t understand how to behave in certain situations, and she took it out on me when she got mad.
When I one day I woke up from a dream, I thought she was only a part of that dream. But she wasn’t. But she removed herself from my life one day completely. My Autism was too much for her.
She left me, screaming about that I was a horrible person and that was the most great thing that could happen to me in this period of time.
Short story IV
Everything was turned against me. The entire world. I wasn't even a part of it nor my own body. My soul was a free spirit. It sounds good. But it wasn’t. It had no body attached to it. Because that body was destroyed.
Could I get away from this? No. If I didn’t fight back, it felt like I was giving consent. I didn’t want to give anything, I didn’t want this, so I was in panic when I realized this was happening. Again. I physically tried to run away, do what I had to do to get away, to fight, to scream. He didn’t cared at first, just did his thing, but now he was frustrated about me fighting back.
”Do you need the belt? Is that what you want?” He whispered, close to my face. My whole body went completely frozen when I heard that word. But soon enough I started to fight back again, trying to scream. He had his hand around my neck and was moving it up to my mouth. Placed it on my lips and whispered again.
”You need something, right?”
He took some cable ties pushed me down to the mattress and tied them around my wrists. I screamed so loud I hoped the neighbors might call the police. The grip around my neck was harder this time.
”You scream, and I’ll… You know I don’t feel anything. I’m cold as ice, you know. I know you like being helpless, just admit it. These may help you stay still in the right place and shut the fuck up. After all, you belong to me.”
I knew he was cold, I knew he didn’t felt anything of what he did. No bad feelings at all. I wasn’t scared, my soul had already left my body when he did what he did.
I decided to close down my brain. He had already started to abuse me in all ways possible. I didn’t even react on the rape anymore. My body couldn’t feel a thing, but at the same time it could feel everything.
The next morning I found blood everywhere when I woke up. It wasn’t my period, because I didn’t get any periods due to medication. When I went to the bathroom I saw a big injury down there. I didn’t dare to go to the doctor to check it up, and I decided to tell him.
”So what? Girls are so sensitive”
That was all how he responded to it. And I thought I was going to bleed to death. It might not have been that much blood, enough to die, but it was painful and it wasn’t right. Nobody should do that to another person.
He seemed to read my mind.
”Well”, he sighed. ”You belong to me”.
I didn’t agree on that. I didn’t agree on anything. But who cared about what I wanted? I reminded myself of my childhood and the golden moments which sometimes happened. I was in a children’s home taken away by the child protective services. But I actually liked that home. I got friends there and I liked the adults which took care of us. One summer we did everything a child loved; big road trips to the water, movies, going to the beach… I was trying to remind me of that wonderful summer.
It’s easier to live if you collect golden moments from life. I tried to think that way, that morning, in that internal and physical pain.
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